Help Me With This Weight

"For we were so utterly burdened beyond our strength that we despaired of life itself.  Indeed, we felt that we had received the sentence of death. But that was to make us rely not on ourselves but on God who raises the dead.  He delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us. On him we have set our hope that he will deliver us again.  You also must help us by prayer, so that many will give thanks on our behalf for the blessing granted us through the prayers of many. "- 2 Cor. 1:8-11

Nobody likes to be real.  It isn't worth it to be real.  Being real exposes flaws about us, that we otherwise hidden from people. I care less about what people think of me though.  Because I care infinitely more about what you think of Christ, I'll suffer shame.  People would most definitely think less of me if they knew I didn't sleep well.  It is something I have struggled with for years.  I remember at an early age that my mind just turned over and over things once I laid down in bed, which has only continued into my adult life.  Often it postpones my ability to actually fall asleep.  Further, I have always woken up many times during the night.  Rarely do I get through a night of sleep and feel refreshed.  And I perpetually find my internal alarm clock going off at a consistent hour every morning.  Whether my body feels ready or not to get up, my mental clock rings too loud to shut everything off, or hit the proverbial snooze and so I get up much earlier than I want.  

This has all been increasingly intensified by all my many insecurities.  My many insecurities are only further exposed amidst the uncertainties facing us attempting to get to know a community, build relationships, plant the gospel, and ultimately see God establish a new church.  I have never before felt so utterly inadequate.  I wonder about how I spend my time.  I wonder about my family.  I wonder about the distant future.  I wonder about what the next day will hold.  I wonder if I am at all effective in anything and bearing any fruit.  

Pretty much every night I am up for extended periods of the night, unable to sleep.  The other night I spent 2 hours up in the middle of the night working on a sermon, as my body would not and could not sleep.  Tonight at a time I should have been in bed I found myself taking a walk outside to look at the stars, and cry painful tears of fear, confusion, doubts, and faith in the mercy of God.  Indeed, I have had to feel the weight of what the next day may hold, what shortcomings I possess, what hardships in provision plague and continue to perplex me, what fruit I might be bearing, if indeed this is as God has designed.  

Of course, I find comfort.  Paul suffered with something great.  So great that even he "despaired of life."  Not entirely sure I have been there, but pretty confident I have been close, if not right there.  Indeed, I have felt this enormous burden upon me that could probably be equated similarly as "the sentence of death."  It sure isn't something so enjoyable, something so inviting, something so comforting.  No, this is painful and excruciating at that.  But I press on.  Why?  Because this is God's plan!  Yes, every bit is God's plan.  And it is all "to make us rely not on ourselves, but on God who raises the dead."  

And so I am reminded: 1) this battle I endure toward intentionally seeking to make Christ's greatness known is every bit a spiritual battle, 2) prayers even from others are a sort of healing balm applied to the sores all over those in battle.

So come bear this weight with me and "help us by prayer."  Pray me up.  I am overwhelmed.  Pray me up.  I am lonely.  Pray me up.  I have great provisional needs.  Pray me up.  I want to hope in Him.  Pray me up.  I want to make Christ known.  Pray for me.  I want to believe God's purpose for me in all this is to make me rely all the more on Him and not on myself.