All Alone Wrestling With God

    

     So there was Jacob...on the run. The con man had been conned by his duplicitous father-in-law. But running from his father-in-law would threaten his safety. Because running from him meant running back toward his brother…the very brother who years earlier wanted to kill him.
    We can’t quite feel the exact nature of pain and turmoil that Jacob was in, but we can at least understand it was a tumultuous time.  He realizes in just a short time his path is going to cross with Esau’s.  

    We have all been to places of uncertainty.  We have all felt like we have been running from something, only to find we are simultaneously running INTO something of even greater danger.  And somewhere in these moments we learn to meet with God in a most powerful manner. 
    Feeling the threat not just to himself but his family, he took them, and put them a distance from himself in hopes of protecting them.  But that left him vulnerable.  And worse yet, all alone.
    Is there any matter less desirable to us than being completely alone?  We don’t have to face up to it often because life is busy.  But when isolation is a result of things beyond our control, coupled with great pain, and uncertainty, then it is exceptionally undesirable. 
    This is exactly where Jacob found himself.  It was the last place he could ever desire to be.  And yet it became the best place he could possibly be.  Gen. 32:24 reads, “And Jacob was left alone.”
    His loneliness didn’t last too long though.  The sentence following that reads, “And a man wrestled with him until the breaking of the day.”  We don’t know who this “man” was.  His name is never given.  We are given a clue though that everything in this narrative about Jacob, that was building up to this point, was all to indicate how Jacob had wrestled with God.
    In fact one of the more curious matters that transpired as this man asked Jacob, “What is your name?”  I suppose it makes sense to ask someone that.   But in the case of asking Jacob his name, it should bring us back to the last time this happened.
    The last time someone asked Jacob his name it was his father, Isaac.  It was on that day when he had decided (along with his mother) to trick his father into blessing him.  Even his father had questions.  After all, the voice sounded like Jacob’s, but all else seemed to be Esau.  And so for verification his father then asked him, “Are you really my son Esau?” (Gen. 27:26). Jacob lied about his identity.
    It was really as if the identity of Jacob was never really fully understood or embraced.  But in running, and in getting alone, he was about to find out. Ever was his identity locked up in someone that he shouldn’t have been.  Someone God was ever changing.  And it took mistakes, and then years of pain, toil, mistreatment, and fear.  To where after all was stripped away all that was left was the true identity of Jacob.
    So it is fitting that this man should ask this question, “What is your name?”  Asking the question wasn’t for his sake, but for Jacob’s. This man then concludes,  “Your name shall no longer be called Jacob, but Israel, for you have striven with God and with man and have prevailed” (Gen. 32:28).
    I am learning something of these lonely moments.   I have recently found myself in the dark night of discouragement. I’ve read of Charles Spurgeon, the “prince of preachers”, who suffered from depression much of his life/ministry.  I believe pastors are exposed to many threats, dangers, fears, as well as all our many shortcomings. We measure our effectiveness and realize it's hard to gauge at times.  All of which can leave me questioning, “Who am I?”
    Through all this God has again brought me to a place where I am all alone.  And yet I am not.  The tears I have shed lately have been full of pain and uncertainty, and yet he has been there.  The words I have prayed into the silence have been full of heart, and He’s heard everyone of them.  See, what I am learning is that God’s brings us into the LONELY ISOLATION and in doing so brings us into a place with HIM.  In thus place we find WHO WE REALLY ARE.
    I write to thank you for your support, encouragement, and prayers.  God has been so gracious to put so many around us, such that we are not alone.  And in all the uncertainty and wrestling, God is showing me more of who He is.
    And so we are praying for God to bless us greatly.  I am convinced I need to press into God, and wrestle in prayer with Him, like Jacob, and He will bless and direct further.   In the meantime, we must wrestle with God.  He blesses us as and after he first BREAKS US.  My discouragement will not have the final say, but GOD will.  And He’s Good! In all this He seeks not to make me a better me, but to make me LIKE CHRIST.  That's the identity He's creating in His own in a most powerful manner, especially during these seasons of loneliness.  But rest assured, you and I are NOT ALONE.