What is the SUM of my life?

How does one adequately and accurate measure up the sum of his/her life?  As a follower of Christ I cannot deny there is a plethora of things I am called to that gives me space to begin to measure my life and determine areas in which I can grow, have grown, and yet need to grow.  It becomes a bit more complex though in real time.  There is no day of my existence in which I can just see a scorecard and check boxes.  So why live like there is? 

I am endlessly reminded of my lack of successes.  I am ever cognizant of my failures.  I am bombarded by my incessant shortcomings.  I am woefully miserable when trying to add up the sum of my life.  I am happy because of all the blessings which I have been given by the grace of God, but my life has really made little visible dent, impact.  So what is the sum of my life?

In recent years I have watched as things I have begun have sputtered, and some even fizzled out.  I have had to face the harsh truth that maybe I am not as good at something I put my hands and head to and tried to go all in, and now a few years later I look at with discouragement.  I have felt the great pains of all my lethargy for times and seasons, all my faithlessness, as well as my best efforts being for naught.  I have been humbled to try to parachute into a new city with my family and start building relationships, plant the gospel and shepherd these that God entrusted to me and watch as it seemingly stagnates at times and seems to have a cap on it by which it will never exceed a certain capacity.  And I have had to ask, "Is this the sum of my life?"

 It has been very difficult to know what honest, bold, humble, faith-based, prayerful actions have all brought about.  For in some regards they have been every bit the expected outcome, but on the whole  years of doing this seemingly should have brought about a lot more than has been manifest.  It's left me inquiring, "Is this what I amount to?"

And yet something all the more painful goes on amid all this.  It moves me to a restless state.  While it has proved to move me to more physical activity even much of that has only left me fatigued. But that isn't even the most fatiguing of it all as the endless mental activity, processing of it all, has left me most wearied.  But why?  Why would what I am passionate about (the GOSPEL) and my responsibility with it, leave me fatigued?  Because somewhere I know my life's sum isn't worthy of this glorious gospel of Christ.

Measure it for a moment.  At what point would a life be worthy of the gospel?  How many years completely immersed in knowing it and in making it known would make the sum of one's life commensurate to the gospel?  What is the number of people, days, minutes, sacrifices, dollars spent, hours prayers offered...that measures up to the gospel's worth?  Amid all this we rightly respond, "There is no way to equal the worth of the gospel." 

There is somewhere I fear we have been sidetracked.  We know all there is to do.  We are eager to do it.  But the doing it is what ultimately grips and consumes us.  And while the great number of things God calls us to is not about to be lifted, we do need again to see this list.  There is an ordering of things therein which will give us the fortitude to go about life liberated, rather than under a self-made burden we were never intended to bear.  

In Philippians 3 Paul says it so perfectly.  His eyes had been opened to realize that no longer was he to try to bear the weight of keeping the law so perfectly as though his salvation depended upon it.  Though by his account "under the law" he had been "blameless" (v.7) he quickly says, "But whatever gain I had, I counted as loss for the sake of Christ."  That is, he wasn't about to let his upholding of the law mean anything that determined his standing before God.  He realized that the sum of his life was not in all he had done. 

As though that wasn't enough, Paul takes it further.  See it wasn't just the righteousness of Paul that he wasn't about to allow to define him, he took it further.  He went so far as to say, "Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord" (v.8a).  Consider that: EVERYTHING.  Nothing he had done, become, thought, wanted, attempted...had been the sum of his life.  Paul did some great things.  I'd take his resume all day.  Nothing he would or ever could do in the future was about to be the sum of who he was. But even as great and exemplary as  Paul was with it all, he would not for a moment call any bit of it the sum of who he is.  

Instead, one thing defines him.  One thing makes up the sum of Paul: the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus.  This is where I have fundamentally gone wrong.  I can quickly take knowing Christ for granted.  And somewhere ministry for Christ becomes a cheap substitute for knowing Him.  But just like ones self-righteousness will not substitute adequately before God, neither will anything else replace the all-sufficiency of Christ. 

We will NEVER EXHAUST what it is to know Christ.  His worth is a SURPASSING one.    The depth of Christ that Paul understood is one in which he was willing to "[suffer] the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ."  What knowledge did Paul have of Christ that all else would be as RUBBISH?  It is only when Christ is seen and known to be the all sufficient, all worthy, all satisfying LORD over all.  The endless joys we will experience in eternity should ever remind us of the need even now to seek identity and satisfaction in HIM ALONE.

I know so little of Christ.  And ever will my life be as nothing and only lead to emptiness and discouragement when I measure on anything but Him. But when the aim of my life is to know, delight, savor, GAIN Christ, then shall the sum of my life be all God desires of me, and more than all I could have ever imagined or achieved any other way.  My prayer is that God would refresh you and I with this profound and yet simple reality that the sum of our lives is only in CHRIST.  And by keeping that foremost the overflow will prove to be fulfilling and fruitful ministry.